Sneezy the Squid - BREAKING POPE NEWS.....
In a stunning turn of events, the latest news report has been submitted to the StS Deep-Sea Newsdesk. The election of Benedcit XVI has been overturned on recount!
George W. Bush Elected Pope...Cardinals Stunned!
Reported by Monsignor Guido Sarducci
The almost 120 Cardinals from around the world who gathered to choose a successor in the Vatican's Sistine Chapel were stunned by the election returns and expressed complete amazement.
Cardinal Mahoney, the Vatican spokesperson, had this to say:
"We in the Conclave are all shocked. We cast our votes using these new electronic voting machines. The results overwhelmingly favored George W. Bush over all the Catholic candidates. The last Pope, John Paul II, was a superb linguist, fluent in 11 languages; this one, Pope George, can't speak fluently in one language. We just don't know what to say, but a vote count is a vote count, dammit!"
The White House has announced that Dick Cheney will assume command as President of the U.S. tomorrow morning, when George Bush travels to Rome to begin his duties as Pope. His Holiness has already announced that Cheney will be anointed Archbishop of the Sunni Triangle. Cheney's wife Lynne will be named an honorary Virgin. His Lesbian daughter, Mary, will be declared a heterosexual 'in pectore' (secret). Bush daughters Jenna and Barbara have already entered the Convent of Our Daughters of Hip-Hop and First Pope-Lady Laura Bush has taken control of all the keys to the Vatican Library.
George W. Bush had this to say moments ago as he spoke from the Rose Garden before departing for Rome: "I am honored to be the spiritual lighthouse, and the first War Pope. I appreciate it, I appreciate it.I promise Evangelical Catho-licks and Prostates alike that I will be embodied in salvation and fair in the performance of my Popie duties. I am a Unitifier, not a Divide-a-cater. I am obliged to try to save as many lost souls as I can, at least the Devout Wealthy Elite Souls, because my Momma done tole me that Heaven is a very select place, more exclusive than even the best Texas country clubs. I may have to put a fence around it.
I will supervise the Rapture and the Reunion with our beloved deceased family members and with our departed purebred pets. I will not allow those awful Liberal Sissy Homosapiens to marry each other and I will put and end to the Clergy marrying Choirboys. I promise I will continue old Johnny Paul's ban on conundrums."
Pope George vehemently denies that he plans to move the Vatican to Miami, Florida, He added.
